Featured

About Me

Hey my name is Hannah. I’m 24 years old born and raised in Southern California. For a brief time I lived in San Francisco (3 years) so sometimes I crave just concrete, liberal ideas, and wild times. 

(That’s me!)

My URL is named after a Maná song. I’m half black and half Latina. Both identities mean a lot to me and I always have to explain to people constantly that I’m half Latina when I grew up very Latina. (Although my Spanish needs a lot of work)

So I started this blog really for myself. (doesn’t everyone say this?) I usually just journal but it’s nice to have something at the touch of your fingertips. I hate how most social media controls me at least. (almost like that episode of Black Mirror.) I’m always concerned with followers and likes and etc. I know with this format I won’t worry as much. So with that being said my writing will have mistakes and spelling errors. This blog is just a flow not some perfect thing I’m trying to make a career. So welcome to the crazy life that is Hannah.

Advertisements

Ain’t it funny

The first time I saw you, I swear I felt this way before but not with you. I couldn’t explain it, an instant connection that shook my bones. I didn’t want love. I just wanted to go all over the world with me, myself and I but I couldn’t resist. I did stay away for awhile and you made it easy because you were quiet, never saying too much until one night. Our coworker is a local rapper and invited both of us to go to his show. I wasn’t going to go because the last time I got so drunk and threw up in a friend’s truck and ran into my coworker’s screen door but for reasons unknown I changed my mind.

I was a little tipsy because I always got nervous around my coworkers. I could never be myself for the sake of professionalism and my private nature. I don’t know where it came from but I came up to at the bar and said I had a crush on you. You just smiled and said me too. We went to Denny’s later that night. I told you I didn’t think love was real. You told me that your ex girlfriend just broke up with you three weeks ago.

I thought that was going to be it. We were coworkers and you were getting over a break up but it wasn’t. You texted me a random day during the week and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure but from that day I was hooked. We were hanging out once a week, then every other day to everyday. I didn’t know what we were doing and at the time I didn’t care much. I just enjoyed being with someone and I couldn’t remember feeling that way. I had been in love once but I forgot how it felt to be kissed and to actually feel something, to be held in someone else arms, to be romantic, to actually feel love.

We eventually talked about what we were doing. You weren’t ready and neither was I. I was still traveling all over: Alaska, Las Vegas, Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Washington and Oregon. I was also planning to ditch my life and hike the Appalachian trail and you were still in love with someone else.

I didn’t know how hard it would get or how hard I would fall but it did and I did. For months I kept denying myself but I knew I was in love, I knew I wanted to be with you. You kept burning me over and over again. “I’m not ready.” “I still think about her sometimes.” “We are just friends.”

I wanted to be strong enough to say fuck you and leave but I loved you, I love you. A small part of me knew you loved me too, you love me. I was right. One late night you looked at me and said I’m sorry. I’m ready to focus on us. I haven’t looked back since.

Lunch Break

  • I’m on lunch and thank god because work has been boring and customers have been annoying. I just fucking hate when people ask for help and question everything I say. If you know it all then why ask for my fucking help in the first place you know?
  • My coworker that isn’t Greg but work directly with me is so weird sometimes. I don’t get her. She is literally the definition of hot and cold. I try and stay away from her as much as possible that why I went to lunch early.
  • I realize this is the first World Cup I didn’t watch. I have some really good memories watching the World Cup like getting so drunk before work and forgetting my wallet on the 30. (That’s a San Francisco reference)
  • I know I said I was excited for Jaime’s new job but I kinda changed my mind. We won’t really see each other anymore. He said if he makes enough money that he would want me to stay home which is honestly the dream. I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home wife/Mom. I don’t know why. It’s odd considering my feminist rhetoric but hopefully that can work out or maybe just go to part time.
  • I hate this type of norm that women can’t be friends with men. I’m not that type of girl who has only male friends (but honestly why does that matter) but I do have a good amount. I don’t want to fuck any of them. Why is that so hard to understand?
  • When did Mexican food get so expensive?
    • Lately I’ve been offending everyone. I need to know when to shut my mouth. I think Jaime’s friend got upset because I called the real estate agents and lenders the ultimate scammers. I only felt that way because the seminar was mostly information about investing in real estate which right now you have to be honest it’s not the right time to buy. It’s a sellers market. Things are closing like crazy right now and there are a lot of cash buyers in my area. Jaime and I could buy a home with a VA loan which is nice because we don’t have to put a crazy amount down but that saying there is a cap of $453,100 for the VA loan in Riverside county. No decent area in Riverside has a home for this price so 9 times out of ten you will be putting a down payment, maybe not much but it doesn’t give much room to renovate your new home to create more equity in your home. Also are housing prices just going to go up in southern California? It’s plateauing but how long do you have to sit in your home in a buyer’s market before your house gains equity? Is there any hope in selling in areas that aren’t decent but are really cheap like Hemet? Are places like Hemet going to become gentrified when places like Murrieta, Temecula, and Menifee become almost impossible to live in? How are you really going to show examples of your real estate investments when you started investing in the early 2000’s which is a whole different time and area. Also did you gain mass equity by just waiting or did you renovate those homes? How are you going to tell me buying a home in Vegas is dumb when Vegas wasn’t like it was in 2008. They have a new successful hockey team and also bagged the Raiders. Las Vegas real estate has gone substantial in the past years and you can’t also say as a warning that Las Vegas real estate suffered substantial during the housing crash when a crash can not happen like that again unless banks are dumb as fuck and starts giving everyone loans again causing a bail out. That can’t happen again and even he said it wasn’t going to happen again. I had questions and they had a lot of dodging answers. I’m not saying these people are bad, they are just trying to make money like you and I but I appreciate honesty.
    • I went to Jaime’s sister soccer game. It’s an adult soccer league and I’ve been to games before but yesterday was the first time I paid attention. It’s so crazy intense. If I actually liked physical activity and had the time I would actually join.
    • Having days off are so nice. I really don’t know how people do it. Work until basically you die. (who really retires anymore?) I hope one day I have a decent job where I can actually retire. I have a retirement plan but you know it’s still debatable if I’m going to retire.
    • I finished my mosaic wall and it came out a lot nicer than I thought it would. It just took about a week to complete but it was worth it but I’m never going to do that shit again unless someone pays me.
    • So I’m guessing my rough week with Jaime was just a severe case of PMS because right now it’s back to normal.
    • Another hobby I want to get in is making clothes. I know how to sew (not that well but it’s there) but I want to start making my own pieces.
    • My coworker called me patient today. She saw me speaking to a customer and was amazed. I was amazed that she thought I was patient. I tend to think of myself in the worse ways though.
    • I had a close friend and the best way to describe it was he was my platonic boyfriend. I cared for him dearly, we hung out all the time and talked on the phone all the time but I never saw him romantically for several different reasons. Our friendship kinda ended when he figured I was never going to like him like that and some other girl liked him and then they eventually started dating. She doesn’t like me for whatever reason. I never had a problem with her until she made it seem like I was a bitch/cold to her when I never was. I treat her like any other fucking stranger out there. Anyway the other day I saw that he had followed me on Instagram so I already knew they broke up before he even told me. I think I mentioned it to a few people. I didn’t say anything bad just kinda brought it up in conversation because you know even though I never approved of their relationship, I know they love each other and it was crazy to me. It’s sad to see especially why they broke up but apparently someone told him I was talking shit which I honestly wasn’t. I didn’t know it was a secret. They have broke up one time before and he told everyone and I told him this. He talked his shit and blocked me. It bothers me a little but I don’t have time for people be in and out of my life whenever it’s fucking convenient for them. I’m just not with the shits anymore. As far as I’m concerned he’s a stranger to me. I blocked both of them because I really don’t want to deal with this stupid shit. But moral of the story don’t tell anyone anything. I already kinda know who said something but it’s not worth to confront.
    • Anyway I got in this intense conversation with my coworker about dream jobs. I feel like she took it a step further because I asked her what she did before this job and she went on to explain that she worked at Juice It Up and then sacrificed 16 years of her life to be a stay at home mom and she feels like that’s why she didn’t get to accomplish her dreams but it was worth it to her to grow up and for her kids to know her and be by her side. She went on to say that she felt that people who didn’t want kids were selfish. I felt conflicted about that statement. For a long time I didn’t want kids and after my tubular pregnancy in the mindset I have right now I kinda don’t want to have kids.
    • A friend offered for Jaime and I to go to a seminar for VA loans. Sounds boring but there is free food and free beer so how could I say no.
    • My cramps today were almost unbearable. I never felt that pain like that other than when I received the injection for my tubular pregnancy.
    • I had a customer today who I believe was a germ/toxic phone. She was literally sniffing the blinds. She was really sweet though.
    • Real Estate agents are scammers. (Scammers have become my favorite word this week)
    • WordPress has done a better job with my search page. They are all book reviews but it works good enough for me. I think I mentioned I made it a goal to read and write so far and it’s been about five days and still on a good roll. I do have to admit I forgot one day of writing in my journal. (boo)
    • I have been reading this book This Bridge Called My Back and it’s so good. I can barely put it down but I think it confronts a lot of the issues I have faced or am still facing with me being a woman of color.
    • Work has been so slow the past few days and I’ve also been kinda of a bitch lately to customers. It’s a bit out of character for me but I’m really kinda over it. I’m mostly rude because they start it first.
    • I need to do something that stimulating and this isn’t it. I literally helped one person yesterday on an eight hour shift. It’s kinda embarrassing but I like it because it gives me time to write on here or some short stories, prose thingies I do sometimes.
    • My coworker Greg is a little out there. He suggest we write a musical about a working class American in the age of Trump. He literally has legit wrote one song for in a matter of five minutes. I’ll post a picture of it even though it’s chicken scratch. He’s something else but he really does make me smile and make me think that not all old people are awful and not understanding of changing of times.
    • Jaime is going to start his new job soon and I’m excited but also kinda nervous. He’s going to be a car salesman and it’s cool but scary. He has a potential of making a lot more money than he does but he does kinda have a timid type of personality which often doesn’t work well in the life of sales but I’m pretty sure he’ll do alright but the only thing is it takes a lot of your time. His friend got him in and was telling him he scheduled 9am to 9 pm and that’s just crazy to me! I’m also going to miss seeing him at work. I know it’s going to take some time to adjust to the new changes but I’m excited for him.
    • I really considering buying a guitar and learning how to play. Finding more time to do things for myself other than watching TV have been beneficial so I think I may pick something new. My finances aren’t where I want them to be but it should get better next month, hopefully.

    The Ex Factor

    You were my first love. Puppy love. Playground love. High school sweetheart. College sweetheart. Sparklers in Chinatown love.

    We did great for awhile. Everyone envied our love, it was pure. It was innocent.

    It’s crazy how comfort can change things.

    No more phone calls until the early morning. No more love letters just because.

    Just me and you and an hour and a half car ride or three hour train ride in between.

    I don’t think it was enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted a fairy tale, movie romance. I wanted excitement. I wanted to travel. I wanted an apartment. I wanted real commitment. You just wanted to graduate college.

    I got bored and you got rude.

    I wanted attention but I got it from other men. Lust had no mercy on me.

    I know I did love you but I don’t remember how it felt or where it went. It got lost in all the arguments. The multiple break ups. The soiled pillows. The kisses exchanged from people that weren’t you.

    I somehow always found a way to blame everything on you.

    • I started this huge project and ended up being more of a pain in my ass than I thought. I’m doing a geometric accent wall and it’s been rough.
    • I went to the beach yesterday with Jaime and it was really nice. The beach is crowded so you can tell it’s summer already.
    • I finally had my perfect European set up picnic beside the Modelos and hummus.
    • My mom finally went to court for the first time for the divorce. She really hurt she still loves my dad. I love my dad but ultimately he fucked up and gave up on their relationship. I hope my mom got everything she deserves because she deserves it all.
    • I finally got my first period since my tubular pregnancy and man does it suck having a period. I ruined Jaime’s sweatpants.
    • I have to go back to work today and I really don’t want to. I really need a break. I may just take a staycation so I can have time to chill. I get pissed off every time I’m there.
    • I know I was talking shit about my therapist on talkspace the other day but she really snatched Jaime’s wig. I was like damn. Still haven’t responded back.
    • My friend bought me a book for Christmas called A Bridge Called My Back and I just started reading it and I love it already. I felt for awhile I lost my political self.
    • It’s hard to have an opinion that is different. It’s hard to convey your opinion especially when every one wants to yell over each other and not work together to create a viable solution but you can’t stop.