The fire started in 2016
I see the burning embers
In your eyes
Burning my idea of what I thought
You embrace me striking more heat
Feeling and feeding the flames
That I can feel at the ends of my hair
To the tips of my toes
The orchids you bought me
I tried watering it more
Watering it less
Trying different soil
Buying flower food
We sat in silence in your mom’s van.
I tried my hardest not to let the tears roll down my cheek, but I failed. I didn’t want to show you anymore weakness or vulnerability, but I failed.
I stared down at my feet and said
“Well I guess you got to go.”
You were staring at me but I couldn’t dare to look at you.
I opened the van door and you said “Wait”
I looked back at you and you pulled me in for a kiss. You didn’t care that my nose was running all over your mouth. You didn’t let go.
You whispered in my ear “I love you a lot as a friend, as a lover, as whatever you want. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
You kissed me one more time and I finally left the van, Wondering when I would finally leave you
The first time I saw you, I swear I felt this way before but not with you. I couldn’t explain it, an instant connection that shook my bones. I didn’t want love. I just wanted to go all over the world with me, myself and I but I couldn’t resist. I did stay away for awhile and you made it easy because you were quiet, never saying too much until one night. Our coworker is a local rapper and invited both of us to go to his show. I wasn’t going to go because the last time I got so drunk and threw up in a friend’s truck and ran into my coworker’s screen door but for reasons unknown I changed my mind.
I was a little tipsy because I always got nervous around my coworkers. I could never be myself for the sake of professionalism and my private nature. I don’t know where it came from but I came up to at the bar and said I had a crush on you. You just smiled and said me too. We went to Denny’s later that night. I told you I didn’t think love was real. You told me that your ex girlfriend just broke up with you three weeks ago.
I thought that was going to be it. We were coworkers and you were getting over a break up but it wasn’t. You texted me a random day during the week and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure but from that day I was hooked. We were hanging out once a week, then every other day to everyday. I didn’t know what we were doing and at the time I didn’t care much. I just enjoyed being with someone and I couldn’t remember feeling that way. I had been in love once but I forgot how it felt to be kissed and to actually feel something, to be held in someone else arms, to be romantic, to actually feel love.
We eventually talked about what we were doing. You weren’t ready and neither was I. I was still traveling all over: Alaska, Las Vegas, Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Washington and Oregon. I was also planning to ditch my life and hike the Appalachian trail and you were still in love with someone else.
I didn’t know how hard it would get or how hard I would fall but it did and I did. For months I kept denying myself but I knew I was in love, I knew I wanted to be with you. You kept burning me over and over again. “I’m not ready.” “I still think about her sometimes.” “We are just friends.”
I wanted to be strong enough to say fuck you and leave but I loved you, I love you. A small part of me knew you loved me too, you love me. I was right. One late night you looked at me and said I’m sorry. I’m ready to focus on us. I haven’t looked back since.
Every store I have been in the past week has been playing “Kiss me” by Sixpence None The Richer, and I hate that it always reminds me of you. I was fresh out of high school without a clue just trying to make ends meet in San Francisco California. Timid and inexperience in life and love. I remember being in Joe’s Crab Shack on a slow night by myself guarding the host stand singing along. You smiled and sang along too.
The first time I saw you was for my interview and I never could explain how you made me feel. A rush of serotonin (even though in the end you cause more anxiety then relieved) My friend would make fun of me and say “Why do you even like him? He’s okay looking, has chapped lips and bad acne.” I just felt like we were lovers long before this century reunited by fate but I barely knew you. I am logical and none of this was making any sense but I couldn’t deny the overwhelming feeling. I stayed away for my own good and my boyfriend’s own good (The real plot twist) until I couldn’t.
My relationship with my boyfriend at the time ended long before the final good-bye. It was late on Halloween and I met my boyfriend at the embarcadero station. He looked me straight in the face and said “You are the reason I’m failing.” It was over at that point but we continued to dragged it out until it both tore us apart.
I got really drunk at a coworkers party. I never had drank that much, I even threw up some Coors light in her backyard. I did my best to stay away from you, I really did. I had a boyfriend. You had a girlfriend. Both of those relationships were over but we still continued to persist. You cornered me and asked why we didn’t hang out and I replied because I like you and if things weren’t fucked already, our coworker’s roommate chased everyone out with a kitchen knife.
We just wanted to be pirates lost at sea and if times would of been simpler I could of seen it happening. You always complained that I wanted someone who was perfect. You were right. I wanted the perfect story, the perfect relationship. A fairy tale that didn’t exist but you always found a way to make me feel like I didn’t even matter.
Years have past, things have changed. The most interaction we have is watching each other’s Instagram stories and liking posts here and there. You are forever the person who I felt had me under a spell that I thought I would never snap out of, almost felt like I loved you.