His right hand smelt like cigarettes. His left hand smelt like Tijuana. But they both felt the same when you brushed them against my body or held my hand, soft but rough callouses at the top of your palms. I tried to look into your eyes to figure you out. I see pain but from things I cannot see. I wonder if you can see mine. I often feel like running the other way but you find a way to pull me in. I scream but you listen and soothe me like the ocean. I don’t know what I want. It changes everyday. But now I actually feel. Never thought I could fill the void. Never thought the smell of cigarettes and Tijuana could be so comforting.
Before I speak on the subject I will say this. Our first amendment is extremely important and once you start silencing any group that is dangerous. That is censorship. I don’t like white supremacy but our first amendment is more important than people realize. No one should be silenced but don’t condone racist behavior and language.
Here is where my issues lie. My main issue is how when there were protest in Ferguson, Black peoples were met with tear gas and rubber bullets. Police forces were silencing black people. There is no other words for it. Police protected white supremacist and allowed them to protest. Why is one cause protected and the other not?
Donald Trumps speech was extremely off. How are you going to say there is extreme hate on both sides. People were protesting to keep a General Robert E Lee statue a prominent confederate figure in the Civil War. CONFEDERATE. Also how are you going to say to we need to cherish our history? Cherish that white people once treated minorities like cattle? Cherish that white people didn’t think minorities were equal? How could he not address white supremacy as a problem. Is it because those are the people who support him?
The civil rights movement wasn’t that long ago. There is plenty of people still living when that time was their reality. Like my grandpa. He never thought he would see the day that a black man would be president. Now it’s almost like the progress we made has been reversed. There needs to be a change. Inequality has always been an issue. More recently hidden by institutional racism. Now Blatant racism is coming front and center and our president won’t address it directly. I’m honestly speechless who knew this could be happening in 2017.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a baby boomer tell me to go back to school, I would have the money to go back! I don’t know why a majority of older people think college is so accessible. I went to SFSU for two years and put myself in enough debt that I could of put a down payment on a cheaper house. It’s not crippling but like I said I went for two years. Also college isn’t for everyone. Why don’t people see that?
I work for a retailer where when I first started it didn’t seem too bad. You could make a honest career and many of my coworkers have. Lately they been downsizing like crazy and it’s not like it use to be. It’s sad to see people who dedicated their lives to a company and then have them thrown out like trash. I can’t make it out of part time but hey I do get pay a little bit higher than minimum wage and also have a 401k.
The truth is I do want to go back to school but for art. I just get wildly insecure by other people’s voices of “you aren’t going to make any money.” I know I should say fuck it but it’s also pulling out loans and etc but I hate my job and “getting a better job” isn’t that easy especially without a bachelors.
So I’m done with my complaining for today. Maybe one day I won’t be poor and stressed. One would only dream. I am content because I do have a strong support system but I would like to live the American dream of not worrying if you are going to have enough money for the bills or a job the next day.
Here’s some photos of me, my boyfriend, brother and some friends eating overpriced ice cream (kinda worth it) Its a custom ice cream place called the Baked Bear only located in California. My review is better than CREAM but Bi-Rite ice cream still reigns supreme. (I never had Mitchell’s) If you ain’t from the bay you won’t get the references. Make a trip to San Francisco the ice cream is great over there. But in language that everyone can understand. The cookies are good (really good) when they haven’t been sitting there for awhile. The ice cream is a little hard and could be done better but it’s not bad.
(I usually take better photos)
My URL is named after a Maná song. I’m half black and half Latina. Both identities mean a lot to me and I always have to explain to people constantly that I’m half Latina when I grew up very Latina. (Although my Spanish needs a lot of work)
So I started this blog really for myself. (doesn’t everyone say this?) I usually just journal but it’s nice to have something at the touch of your fingertips. I hate how most social media controls me at least. (almost like that episode of Black Mirror.) I’m always concerned with followers and likes and etc. I know with this format I won’t worry as much. So with that being said my writing will have mistakes and spelling errors. This blog is just a flow not some perfect thing I’m trying to make a career. So welcome to the crazy life that is Hannah.