December

Here we are again

I keep pulling at your threads

Hoping to unravel you

But somehow

I’m the only one falling apart

Again & Again

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Only For A Night

The bartender called last call. I had already felt the alcohol but decided to do another shot of whiskey. I didn’t know how I was getting home. My card was expired and I had spent all my cash on alcohol.

You told me don’t worry, just come home with me. I smiled. We had been doing a lot of things lately and you had been passing me love notes written on cheap brown paper towels. I still didn’t know about you. I saw you as a politician, a great face but behind the charisma hid ugliness of superiority.

We started walking to your apartment downtown hand and hand. You told me you wanted to take me to your favorite spot. A single bench parked on a peak of San Francisco over seeing the whole city in its beauty of light pollution.

You told me you were done with white girls. I should of snarled but I was lonely and for reasons I never knew I did enjoy your company, even if I felt you were full of shit.

We kept walking and stopped in front of a church and you said we were all Gods in control of our own destiny. I didn’t understand until years later.

We finally reached your apartment. We went into an old elevator. I couldn’t stopped looking at you. I fucking hated you and everything you stood for. Your faux Ghandi philosophy, your spirituality through crystals, your distaste of rap music, and your narcissism. You kissed me and it felt like a temporary home, feeling temporarily safe.

When we go into your apartment I couldn’t help but notice all the signs of a failed relationship. Dozen of empty frames on the wall, a floral couch picked up from a thrift store, crisp white sheets, and a piece of burnt carpet from a past romantic night that didn’t end well.

You started to peel layers from me one by one. I could see it your face. I saw the pain. I was just a piece of your fucked up puzzle. I should of just slept on the couch but I didn’t care. I needed the warmth of your skin, the intertwining of your fingers, your weight on top of mine. I started taking piece by piece of you realizing there was nothing there but drunk conversations and a false sense of comfort.

I left in the morning leaving everything behind the door of your apartment.

Wednesday

We argued through out the week

About the bills, time together, & your work

But all of it has changed

Because it’s Wednesday

The morning sun peaks

Through our old window

Highlighting the scars you got

When you were young

You slightly open your eyes

Like honey coming out of a jar

I kiss your cheek, the lobe of your ear, your neck

The corners of your mouth rises

You put your arms around me

Look into my eyes

And swallow me whole

Update!

Hey guys! It’s been awhile but I have cleaned up my blog. Those who actually read my blog knows my blog was a place where I came to talk shit about my daily life which included: my family, my ex coworkers, my job, my husband and etc. I’m not totally confident in becoming an actual “blogger” but I’m going to try to be more serious about it. So that means I’m going to switch up my post from what I use to post (word vomit).

So a major update is that I quit my job. I just got really tired of it. I never wanted to go to work (I mean who does, not the point) and sometimes I would cry before I would go to work. After a very bad interview for a transfer, I had a very serious conversation with my husband and we decided that I should quit.

Another update is that I am going to take a breather trying to find a job just because we are moving out of our apartment soon. I have to repaint a lot of shit and do some deep cleaning. Today was the first time either my husband or I cleaned the apartment in months. Anyway after moving I’m going to try and find a job as soon as possible because in six months or so, Jaime and I are going to buy a van and travel across America for three months.

So life has been really fast and kinda scary these past few weeks but I already feel better. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if the van thing is going to work out but I’m excited and I think I actually believe in myself.

(Here are a few things I have been up to since I have been gone)