Sorry I haven’t written in so long. There really aren’t any excuses but these past few days have been overwhelming. I have some good news! I have actually landed a job and it’s a five minute walk from home so it’s super cool and convenient but being a housewife was cool while it lasted.
Anyway back to the prompt which day five is my proudest moment would be moving to San Francisco. It was a time I was truly independent and did something for myself. San Francisco is largely the reason for the person I am today and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how empathetic I am. I’m proud of how more aware I am. I’m proud to know no matter how much pain and suffering I will go through, I will make it out stronger.
I guess this post is going to be short because I didn’t land too long ago. Jaime and I landed around 11:30 and didn’t get into the city until 12:15 or 12:30. We were in the mission. Jaime says the mission reminds him of TJ. We ate at tacolicious and some pupusas place on 16th and Valencia! It’s almost like I remember other than I went to their newer locations and not the one by Skylark. (I hate that I talk about the city like everyone knows what I’m talking about.)
It’s been short and sweet (although the day is so young!) Jaime and I are really tired from the car ride and also we didn’t exactly go to sleep early last night. It took about three hours to get to LAX and the flight was okay about fifty minutes but it’s still tiring. We are back at the Airbnb. He’s asleep right now so I’m taking advantage. It feels good to be back but it’s also weird. Small changes in a big city you use to live in are just so weird to encounter.
(I need to take more pictures but it’s weird when you feel like you are back at home)
Every store I have been in the past week has been playing “Kiss me” by Sixpence None The Richer, and I hate that it always reminds me of you. I was fresh out of high school without a clue just trying to make ends meet in San Francisco California. Timid and inexperience in life and love. I remember being in Joe’s Crab Shack on a slow night by myself guarding the host stand singing along. You smiled and sang along too.
The first time I saw you was for my interview and I never could explain how you made me feel. A rush of serotonin (even though in the end you cause more anxiety then relieved) My friend would make fun of me and say “Why do you even like him? He’s okay looking, has chapped lips and bad acne.” I just felt like we were lovers long before this century reunited by fate but I barely knew you. I am logical and none of this was making any sense but I couldn’t deny the overwhelming feeling. I stayed away for my own good and my boyfriend’s own good (The real plot twist) until I couldn’t.
My relationship with my boyfriend at the time ended long before the final good-bye. It was late on Halloween and I met my boyfriend at the embarcadero station. He looked me straight in the face and said “You are the reason I’m failing.” It was over at that point but we continued to dragged it out until it both tore us apart.
I got really drunk at a coworkers party. I never had drank that much, I even threw up some Coors light in her backyard. I did my best to stay away from you, I really did. I had a boyfriend. You had a girlfriend. Both of those relationships were over but we still continued to persist. You cornered me and asked why we didn’t hang out and I replied because I like you and if things weren’t fucked already, our coworker’s roommate chased everyone out with a kitchen knife.
We just wanted to be pirates lost at sea and if times would of been simpler I could of seen it happening. You always complained that I wanted someone who was perfect. You were right. I wanted the perfect story, the perfect relationship. A fairy tale that didn’t exist but you always found a way to make me feel like I didn’t even matter.
Years have past, things have changed. The most interaction we have is watching each other’s Instagram stories and liking posts here and there. You are forever the person who I felt had me under a spell that I thought I would never snap out of, almost felt like I loved you.
A few cocktails
We were roaming the streets of San Francisco
We stopped in front of a church
You told me we were all Gods in this world
I looked into your eyes and you kissed me
I don’t remember much other than I forgot my bra on your floor and didn’t want to come back to your apartment
But I did anyway with a six pack of beer
You told me you didn’t want anything serious
I told you I liked your friends better
A week after you came with me downtown
I grabbed some flowers for a friend
You said you felt like I was falling in love with you
I said don’t be so full of yourself
We hadn’t talked in weeks and you texted me that you wanted to hang out
I told you to go fuck yourself
A month later you bought me a red rose
I never knew why you thought I cared so much
Trying to move to San Francisco was a mess. I was waiting on approval for a loan so I could pay rent for a place and two weeks before the first semester started at SFSU I got a letter saying I was denied. I didn’t know what to do but apply for a different loan and hope it would go through. I did and got a loan and at last minute I had to find a place. My friend at the time told me of a house in Park Merced of four other girls (Sam, Bri, Viri, and Maysie) looking for a roommate. The rent was $550 a month and the house was fully furnished. Good deal right? And I was desperate.
I moved in a week later before everyone else and I could see that they already formed a bond. I also never was good at making friends. I’m a awkward lone wolf. There was a welcome week for incoming freshmen and that night particular there was a concert on campus.
We sat down watch a band play. Then all the girls proceeded to make fun a red hair girl for no reason. That’s when I knew shit wasn’t going to go good for me in this house. It also didn’t help that I really didn’t like to drink or do drugs (at the time)
Don’t get me wrong I do talk shit but usually you have to give me a reason why.
So I started to distance myself from them more and more. I was passive aggressive about the mess they would make and also about them eating my food I was paying for. (I barely had any money I was fucking struggling) I also was more concerned about fucking my boyfriend and getting okay grades.
Tensions were high all the time. One day I decided to reactivate my Facebook and I saw two of them had posted a video about me. It was like the movie Mean Girls where they create a plan to get rid of Regina George but instead it was a plan of getting rid of me. I was horrified. I started crying and I didn’t know how to react other than going to sleep over at my best friend’s apartment (which our friendship wasn’t doing so great either)
They sort of apologized about it but still continued to mock me. In the end everyone hated everyone and we got kicked of the house by the end of the second semester.
These days I have better humor about it. I think that it’s hilarious if I’m completely honest. It’s so crazy that people could be so cruel. Times with them weren’t always terrible but I hope them well. I still think about them every once in awhile. We were all so young and stupid.
(Not pictured Viri or Maysie. Kelly(the gypsy) is just a bystander)